Cupid Is In Royal Need Of Expert Help
A hush falls over the courtroom as Cupid takes the stand. “Cupid, will you raise your right hand?”
His testimony is crucial, but it’s not near as important as that of the experts. We have archery experts, psychologists, human movement engineers, and even Fortune 500 CEOs to speak on Cupid’s alleged intentional interference with business relations in this royally-complicated lawsuit against the match-making cherub.
Who on Earth did Cupid shoot?
Cinderella, that’s who. Cupid struck her on Valentine’s Day in the Bridal Loft near the Royal Chapel. Her Prince Charming, having finally found his glass-slippered bride, had sent Cinderella off gown-shopping for the big day. She was trying on gowns in the Bridal Loft when Cupid’s wayward arrow flew her way. Cinderella’s head snapped up. The tailor in attendance instantly became the sole owner of her love and affection, immediately upsetting all royal plans for Cinderella’s highly-anticipated wedding to the far more suitable Prince Charming in May. This, according to the King in his thirty-six-page complaint against Cupid, amounted to wrongful interference with an established business relationship, i.e., the Prince’s highly-publicized “slipper hunt” with its accompanying promise to be betrothed. The King is infuriated. Cinderella’s intoxicated. And the poor Prince is left heartbroken and alone.
Let the lawsuit and battle of the experts begin.
The Great Dispute
Cupid’s satirist expert: “We’ve all seen the depiction as merely a cartoon. Cupid’s arrows can’t actually make a person fall in love. Most of the depictions even replace the arrow tip with a small rubber suction cup to reinforce the idea that the arrow does not actually penetrate the skin and, therefore, cannot actually inflict any aphrodisiac. It’s just too outrageous to be believed.”
The King’s pharmaceutical expert: “There is evidence that, when introduced into the bloodstream, certain drugs can enhance senses, pheromone emissions, heart rate, and temperature. All signs that present themselves to the recipient as effects of an immediate, debilitating crush.”
Cupid’s archery expert: “From my review of the Bridal Loft layout and dimensions, there’s no way Cupid could have drawn back his bow among the reported twenty-six customers in the building that morning in order to obtain a clear, deliberate shot that at Cinderella.”
The King’s pedestrian dynamics expert: “I completely dispute that. Cinderella was undergoing a gown-fitting at the time of the incident. From a thorough study of the Bridal Loft’s customer service policies, all gown fittings occur in the elevated pedestal near the building’s rear corner. This position lifted Cinderella head and shoulders above the crowd, granting Cupid a fine, clear upward trajectory shot from anywhere in the Bridal Loft.”
Cupid’s family law contracts expert: “Until an actual marriage decree is signed, a mere verbal agreement to become betrothed to another and marry at a later date is not an agreement that can be upheld in the civil jury system with damages imposed. In addition, pursuant to the Statute of Frauds, a contract under which one party promises something of value to the other party on the condition that they become married must be in writing to be enforceable.”
The King’s business relations expert: “Reports of Cinderella’s intended marriage to Prince Charming ran worldwide, recounted many times in print and by the Town Criers, thereby sufficing as a written agreement. In addition, the condition bestowed on the glass slipper and Cinderella’s willingness to try it on manifested her acquiescence to the corresponding betrothal.”
Cupid’s infectious disease expert: “It has been surmised in some studies that love is a disease, as it infiltrates our defenses, alters our body’s response to natural safety triggers, and weakens our judgment and decision-making. Love was likely just ‘in the air’ that fateful Valentine’s Day morning in the Bridal Loft and, more likely than not, Cinderella simply caught the bug.”
The King’s classic mythology expert: “All depictions of Cupid ranging back to 300 BC portray him as an archer armed with arrow and bow which represent his source of power: a person, or even a deity, who is shot by Cupid's arrow is filled with uncontrollable desire.”
Cupid’s psychology expert: “After running multiple tests on numerous subjects struck by Cupid’s bow in virtually identical conditions, no other subject fell so haphazardly and immediately in love as did Cinderella. Whether the King likes it or not, the young tailor may just be her destined soulmate. You can’t stop love.”