iI love the 60 Minutes interview with Justice Sonia Sotomayor. In it, when asked about the topic of work/life balance and whether women can have it all she responds, “Yes, women can have it all but not in the same minute." Shout out for Justice Sotomayor.
I have sometimes been asked to speak on the topic of women and work life balance. And you may not like what I am about to say, but it has been my experience that for most women professionals I know, the topic of work/life balance causes either extreme boredom coupled with Olympic medal-worthy eye rolling or worst case scenario, extreme annoyance. And the truth is that I am ambivalent, at best, about the topic myself. And yes, I have been known to roll my eyes. Not proud of it. But it's true.
The reason for the exasperated eye rolling? Because 16 years later—with two teens, two law firm career moves, four career changes, one business, four home relocations, and one dog ---I still haven't totally figured out the work/life "balancing equation." And I still don’t “have it all”. B And yet...I have managed to make both my career and family life with children work out. Not perfectly. NEVER perfectly. But nicely enough.
So I thought I would share some things that I learned and that have helped me.
What I have learned is that "having it all" as a woman professional means adopting these three Mindsets & Mantras:
1) First Mindset & Mantra: "For Now"
You can have it all. But just not at the same time. It is the nature of choice and commitment. You get one thing but have to give another up, FOR NOW. NOT FOREVER. Just for that period of time when one priority is more important to you than another.
And here's another unspoken and unpopular reality: men cannot have it all at the same time either. Ask any man dedicated to his career but who wants a genuine relationship with their partner/spouse or family. Or ask any man who is taking care of someone ill, or wants to be at their daughter's soccer practice, or who has a love and passion for film or cooking or golf or tennis. If they want to devote all their time to their career, they will have to give up most of the other important things in their life.
And while I know that having and raising a family as a primary care giver, is not the same as making time for a hobby like tennis...the reality is that most men, if asked, would subjectively say that they too "can't have it all." That is the nature of the human condition: when we make one choice we forgo others, temporarily. So when embarking on the "I want it all" objective...remember that you can have it all but not at the same time and that whatever you chose to give up...remember you are just giving it up, "for now." It will make it all feel a lot less dire and more palatable.
2) Second Mindset & Mantra: "It Will Be Messy”
If you want to have it all, you need to give up perfectionism and get used to your career and family life being messy at alternate times.
A colleague of mine calls it “Blending" not “Balancing" work and life. Blending is the word that accurately describes the process of making a family and career work out. There is never balance...it's always a dense, viscous, goopy blend with chunks of family, work, family ,work, family all mixed in at any given moment. When I am at work, family stuff interferes and distracts me; when I am at home, work stuff interferes and distracts me. It's always a bit of a mess and loosely stitched patchwork of priorities. And you will always feel that you are delinquent in one area. So, if you can make peace with the messiness...your chances of "having it all" can increase.
3) Third Mindset & Mantra: "I Will Disappoint”
This is a tough one to get used to. But key. If you are trying to have it all, remember that your real goal is for YOU to have everything that YOU want. You and your desire to "have it all” is the true heartbeat of this endeavor that we call "work/life" balance. With that in mind, you will need to learn the art of “SAYING NO.” And with that, you should anticipate that when you say "no" you will invariably disappoint people along the way. Maybe several people. At any given moment while you are saying "no" so that you can "have it all" you should expect that your boss, your company, your partner, your spouse, your kids, your nanny, your neighbors, your kid’s teachers, your mother, etc may not always be thrilled with you and how you make your choices. Get used to it. And then get over it. You will need to develop a thick skin if you want to have it all.
Having it all takes courage, strength and the willingness to say "No, not now, I can't" and tolerate the disapproving glances, exasperated grunts and general disappointment others may temporarily have. But remember, you are doing the best you can and in order to have what you want, what you need, and what you chose, others may have to suffer small disappointments. They will get over it if you can get over it. So get rid of the guilt. Get used to selectively disappointing. And learn to create realistic expectation of yourself and in others....so you can get on with it.
These three Mindsets & Mantrashave helped me enormously along the way. So my tips for "having it all" are:
- Frame your career/family choices in terms of "for now."You can have it all but not at the same time.
- Get used to it being messy. You are blending not balancing. Blended mixtures are never smooth or perfect.
- And get used to saying "no" and selectively disappointing others sometimes. Learn to tolerate the disappointment of others. Get over it. And get on with it.
If you can get used to these ideas and make peace with them ...you might have a better chance at having it all.
